***Preface - The blog you are about to read is solely the thoughts and opinions of the blog's author. The goal of this blog's author is not to incite pity from her readers, but merely provide an outlet for said author's feelings and perhaps offer insight for the purpose of helping others understand.***
As I sat in my bed,
I decided I would blog
About the thoughts in my head.
For this was a topic
That was often talked about.
And though I usually didn't say much,
Now was the time to let it out.
Though I would love to continue
My story in this way,
It is actually quite difficult
And would take me all day.
Ah, the holidays. For some, "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year" (thank you, Andy Williams). For others, not so much. Everyone is entitled to their own feelings for or against this time of year.
(Before I continue, I must clarify. Every time I refer to "the holidays" or "this time of year", I am referencing the period of time between the week before Thanksgiving through the week after Christmas, give or take a few weeks.)
Anyways, continuing on. This time of year used to be a huge deal in my family. Thanksgiving was usually spent at my grandparents' house, everyone gathered around one long table in the dining room. While many families had the "kids table" and the "adult table", young and old alike were squeezed around our Thanksgiving table. Usually congregated around this table would be my grandmother and grandfather, my uncle (and as time went on, his significant other), my great-grandmother and great-grandfather (GG and GG Pop), another great-grandmother, my parents, my sister and myself. Once in a while there'd be a few extra people, but those were the core people. As time went on, our table became slightly smaller - first with the passing of GG Pop, followed by the passing of my great-grandmother some time later.
It wasn't until my grandparents and GG moved down to Florida that these gatherings ceased. Since then, Thanksgiving has usually been a low-key event held at my parents' house (with the exception of a time or two spend at my father's sister's house...don't ask) consisting of them, my sister, myself and my significant other. Though they were so far away, we would still talk with my grandparents and GG on the phone on Thanksgiving, exchanging details of the insane amount of food for such a small number of people.
The passing of my grandfather in 2003 took a toll on all of us, especially around this time of year. Things just didn't seem the same anymore. While still being very thankful for all that we had, we still couldn't help but turn our thoughts to what we didn't have. His passing approximately a month before Thanksgiving may have a lot to do with this. Another hard blow came in 2007 with my separation. And while you may think it would get easier as time goes on, not being able to spend the whole day with my daughter (she spends half the day with me, and the other half with her father) only gets harder. This year will be the first one spent without GG, following her passing back in August. Tomorrow, my sister and her boyfriend will be over for a little while, and Skylar will be here until 2pm. We'll have a nice lunch/dinner cooked by the nice people over at Price Chopper. By approximately 5pm, you'll never know it was even still Thanksgiving. Food will be packed away in the fridge. My father will more than likely be falling asleep in front of the TV in the new room, my mom will be doing the same in her room, and I'll be in front of my computer in my room - the same scene that can be found in my house pretty much every day of the week. I won't even get to see my gf, which just adds to the bleakness of the day.
And before anyone begins saying "But look at all that you DO have!" Yes, I am very thankful to have a loving family to spend Thanksgiving (and every other day) with. I am very thankful for everything I have, and I know that I am lucky to have it all. I guess it all boils down to this: I miss the way things once were. Change has always been difficult for me, no matter what it was that was changing.
Stay tuned for part 2, coming soon to a computer screen near you.
