Many thanks to many people

Anyone who knows me well knows I suffer from depression. Allow me to give you a little bit of background regarding this:

I was diagnosed with post-partum depression when Skylar was 4 months old. While my doctor's formal diagnosis was PPD as it was shortly after Skylar was born, she (my doctor) felt that my depression was a preexisting condition based on both my parents having depression as well as what I had told her about my childhood (i'll spare you the details). She placed me on medication and let me know that it was possible I may be on medication for my depression for the rest of my life. I wasn't exactly thrilled with the prospect of possibly having to be on medication 'til the day I die, but I accepted it as I just wanted to feel better, to feel "normal", to feel myself again.

Depression affects everyone differently. For some, once they find a treatment that works well for them, they show very little, if any, signs of depression. For others, while their treatment works well most of the time, once in a while they will have a down day or two. There may not be anything that caused it, and they can't put their finger on any one thing that is wrong or bothering them, but it causes them to slip back into their depressive state for a short period of time. For others still, they slip back into their depressive state for prolonged periods of time. This is the category I fall into. I find that my "bouts" are caused by excess amounts of stress. They can last anywhere from a week or two to month or two. During these times, I do what I have to in order to get through a day, but it takes a lot of effort. Any free time I have I spend in bed. I withdraw from the world as much as possible. I reach out as little as possible, if at all. I dwell on all the negative aspects of my life without giving heed to the positive.

For about the last month, I had been dealing with one of my bouts. It became increasingly worse over the last couple of weeks. While it was the worst bout I've been through, it definitely ranked up there with being one of the worst.

I hit a turning point last Thursday. I'm not sure why, and I'm not sure what caused it. All I know is that I began to feel a little better that day and decided I needed to be focusing more on the positive aspects of life rather than the negatives. The stressors that caused my most recent bout are still present, but I've come to a point where I'm just trying to deal with it the best I can without sinking into a major low.

And this is where my many thanks come in. I want to extend a very special thank you to everyone who reached out to me. Many of my friends checked on me on a regular basis to see how I was doing and to see if there was anything they could do. They offered words of wisdom and lent an ear if I decided I wanted to discuss what was on my mind. You all know who you are, and I could never fully express how much it meant to me. When it seems all hope is gone, it's nice to know there are friends willing to help in any way possible. I can only hope i can return the favor in any way, shape or form. I love you all,

Happy Reading -

~ Michelle

Holidays - Part 1

***Preface - The blog you are about to read is solely the thoughts and opinions of the blog's author. The goal of this blog's author is not to incite pity from her readers, but merely provide an outlet for said author's feelings and perhaps offer insight for the purpose of helping others understand.***

Twas the night before Thanksgiving

As I sat in my bed,

I decided I would blog

About the thoughts in my head.

For this was a topic

That was often talked about.

And though I usually didn't say much,

Now was the time to let it out.

Though I would love to continue

My story in this way,

It is actually quite difficult

And would take me all day.

Ah, the holidays. For some, "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year" (thank you, Andy Williams). For others, not so much. Everyone is entitled to their own feelings for or against this time of year.

(Before I continue, I must clarify. Every time I refer to "the holidays" or "this time of year", I am referencing the period of time between the week before Thanksgiving through the week after Christmas, give or take a few weeks.)

Anyways, continuing on. This time of year used to be a huge deal in my family. Thanksgiving was usually spent at my grandparents' house, everyone gathered around one long table in the dining room. While many families had the "kids table" and the "adult table", young and old alike were squeezed around our Thanksgiving table. Usually congregated around this table would be my grandmother and grandfather, my uncle (and as time went on, his significant other), my great-grandmother and great-grandfather (GG and GG Pop), another great-grandmother, my parents, my sister and myself. Once in a while there'd be a few extra people, but those were the core people. As time went on, our table became slightly smaller - first with the passing of GG Pop, followed by the passing of my great-grandmother some time later.

It wasn't until my grandparents and GG moved down to Florida that these gatherings ceased. Since then, Thanksgiving has usually been a low-key event held at my parents' house (with the exception of a time or two spend at my father's sister's house...don't ask) consisting of them, my sister, myself and my significant other. Though they were so far away, we would still talk with my grandparents and GG on the phone on Thanksgiving, exchanging details of the insane amount of food for such a small number of people.

The passing of my grandfather in 2003 took a toll on all of us, especially around this time of year. Things just didn't seem the same anymore. While still being very thankful for all that we had, we still couldn't help but turn our thoughts to what we didn't have. His passing approximately a month before Thanksgiving may have a lot to do with this. Another hard blow came in 2007 with my separation. And while you may think it would get easier as time goes on, not being able to spend the whole day with my daughter (she spends half the day with me, and the other half with her father) only gets harder. This year will be the first one spent without GG, following her passing back in August. Tomorrow, my sister and her boyfriend will be over for a little while, and Skylar will be here until 2pm. We'll have a nice lunch/dinner cooked by the nice people over at Price Chopper. By approximately 5pm, you'll never know it was even still Thanksgiving. Food will be packed away in the fridge. My father will more than likely be falling asleep in front of the TV in the new room, my mom will be doing the same in her room, and I'll be in front of my computer in my room - the same scene that can be found in my house pretty much every day of the week. I won't even get to see my gf, which just adds to the bleakness of the day.

And before anyone begins saying "But look at all that you DO have!" Yes, I am very thankful to have a loving family to spend Thanksgiving (and every other day) with. I am very thankful for everything I have, and I know that I am lucky to have it all. I guess it all boils down to this: I miss the way things once were. Change has always been difficult for me, no matter what it was that was changing.

Stay tuned for part 2, coming soon to a computer screen near you.

What's today's date?

It's November 5th, no? Then why the hell was it 70 degrees out when I went on lunch this afternoon??? Not that I'm complaining! I love this weather! It's the perfect weather, if you ask me. I'm just really thrown by the fact that it is the beginning of November, and I can still wear capris! I should enjoy it while it lasts...I hate the bitter cold.

Skylar got the proofs for her school pictures today. They are adorable!!! I love them!! She's always been a photogenic kid. I'll post them when I get the actual ones back.

I actually found not one, but TWO corsets at Hot Topic this week that fit me! :) Woo Hoo!! I absolutely love corsets, but Torrid doesn't always have them, and Hot Topic doesn't always carry them in XXL. Well, the fact that I was able to find two this week has just tickled me pink! I borrowed a corset from my friend D. a month or two ago, and every time I've worn it, I've had several compliments on it. And, I absolutely love it, not only because it's a corset, but because it's purple and black - my two favorite colours. I almost hate to give it back to her!

Well, Skylar is sufficiently soaked and pruned at this point; she's been in the bathtub while I've been typing this (no, i didn't leave her alone in the tub, I brought my laptop into the bathroom and sat on the floor in front of the tub, so please don't go calling CPS on me! lol)

Happy Reading!

Election Day

Has everyone voted and done their patriotic duty? I hope so. I did so on my way to work this morning. Second time in my life I've voted. The first time was for the last presidential election (I voted for Kerry - we see how well that turned out). This year though, there are incentives to vote! There are several around the country, but two in particular that pertain to our area:

~ Starbucks is giving away a small coffee when you go in and say you've voted (sometimes you can get away with asking for an iced tea instead of a coffee if you don't like coffee - I've done that twice today :) )
~ Ben & Jerry's is giving away a free scoop of ice cream from 5 to 8pm for anyone who's voted (Have to imagine they will be a mob house at that point!)

It's sad, really, that people have to essentially be bribed to vote these days. Whatever happened to doing it as part of your "patriotic duty"? Because it was just the thing you did? What has our world come to?

In other news, I'm finding I'm not a fan of having hardly any free time. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy all the things that keep me busy. But between Skylar, church and Derby, there's no time left except every other weekend.

And one more, completely random point - I bought French Vanilla Mint flavored lip balm a few weeks ago at Old Navy. Some how, said lip balm (it's like a gloss more than a chapstick) got stuck at the bottom of my purse, only being found this past weekend while cleaning out my mess of a purse. Now, for me to purchase this lip balm in the first place is very odd, as I very rarely wear ANYTHING on my lips. On occasion i'll wear lipstick, but only if it's the kind that stays on my lips, as I hate having it come off when I want it to stay. I absolutely HATE lip gloss, and only once in a while i'll wear chapstick, if my lips are chapped. Anyways, I decided to try the lip balm anyways, and i LOVE it!!! I love vanilla anything to begin with, and it's a nice blend of Vanilla and Mint, and even though it's more of a gloss, it doesn't have that sticky feeling to it. And, it makes my lips tingle, which is nice. And, it tastes DELICIOUS! I have to actually stop myself from licking it off my lips, as it tastes so good! lol

Happy Reading!

Nothing questions one's mortality more than finding out a friend or loved one has died. A woman I have known for a while, KL, was the mother of a friend of mine from high school and church. She was our "choir mother" at church when we were in youth choir. She basically kept us all in line - and she did an awesome job at it. She had that way of just being able to give you a look if you were misbehaving to let you know to cut it out.

I had lost contact with KL after I graduated high school, and just recently reconnected with her as she worked at K-Mart in CP. It was just a few months ago I reconnected with her - she didn't even know I had a little girl! But once she met Skylar, she simply adored her.

Sometime in the last few days, KL's son (probably in his early 20's by now) found her collapsed in her house. She was rushed to the hospital and a blood clot was found in one of her lungs. All that was keeping her alive at this point was life support. Tests were run and nothing could be found, so the family decided to disconnect her from life support yesterday (she was already brain dead). She died almost immediately.

KL was only 53 - 4 years older than my own mother. I just saw her at K-Mart last week! It's amazing how fast things can happen.

Please keep her family and friends in your thoughts and prayers as they go through this difficult time. This all happened so suddenly.

Zombie Prom - Part 2

So, my last post was all about how much I didn't enjoy Zombie Prom. Well, for this one, I figured I'd make a list of the things that caused me to smile that night...

1. Zombie Eyes - very creepy, but very funny!


2. Evil death stares by FRH

3. A very plastered, but very mellow, DL

4. Finding pot in the couch

5. Bullwhips - getting my first one and learning how to use it!

6. People jealous that I just won't use said bullwhip on them.

7. Breaking a sweat trying to hook my garterbelt to my thigh highs - wasn't funny at the time, but I find it slightly funny now! lol

8. Vegan Brain Cookies

and last, but not least....

9. BRAAAAAAAAAINS! :)

Zombie Prom

So, the Hellions had their Zombie Prom last night at Valentine's. Personally, I didn't have that great of a time. There's someone that is involved on the team that feels the need to be the center of attention all the time. Everything has to be about them. And it drives me nuts, because a lot of the others think this person is so wonderful. Just pisses me off.

I also didn't really have a great time because it was a very low turnout, which sucked. It didn't go as well as we had hoped. We had a few people, but a lot of them were either friends of the Hellions or of the bands. The night did improve as it went on though...

After the Prom was actually over, we were cleaning up and Scar, Needles and I were getting ready to leave. We were at the car talking with a friend of Neeldles and this guy from the party, a guy we nicknamed "Braaains", as he had paper brains taked to his shirt and he made vegan brain cookies for the party (which were delicious!). Well, he decided, while we were outside, to help me learn how to use the bullwhip I had as part of my costume...let's just say, I made a new friend :) hehehe

And, I learned how to use my bullwhip too ;) lol